St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo. These are really the same holiday, but spaced two months apart. Apparently all we know about Mexican and Irish cultures is that they drink. A lot. We also know there's something about snakes and independence in there. Don't get us wrong, we fully support snake's rights, but is it really worth the terror and ruined pants that coincide with sobriety check points? Probably.
Spring break. First of all, thanks a lot MTV. You have taught us so much. Indispensable life lessons such as anyone who enters a Daytona Beach Wet T-Shirt contest leaves a champion. Any young American with a dream and a bit of gumption is just one balcony puke away from fame. You really set the tone for Spring Break in America, and only now do we realize you were shaping young minds to be one of two people: someone who watches 16 and Pregnant and someone who is 16 and Pregnant.
Mardi Gras. Beads and boobs. That's all we know, and that's enough for us.
Easter. If any of these occasions is for drinking, it's Easter. How else are you going to explain to your child that a giant talking bunny is giving out presents in exchange for lap time? Can we also point out that it might not be a good idea to encourage young children to find random eggs in the great outdoors and immediately open and devour the contents. That's not how you get chocolate and money, it's how you get E. Coli and a badger to the face.
After some serious reflection, we realize we have wasted everyone's time. We wouldn't change a thing about spring holidays. Just add more booze to Easter, and don't let your priest tell you otherwise.
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