Improving History: Mustache Addition (The Only Edition)

Julius Caesar

Brutus could not have torn himself away from that glorious view long enough to get a clear shot at Caesar's back. We've always said mustaches save lives, we just wish we could have been there to warn him.

Moby Dick

Some studies show that the part of the brain responsible for aggression is the mustache.

Anne Boleyn (The Whore Queen)

This mustache may not have saved her from a beheading, but we bet cryogenics would have been much higher on scientist's to do list, knowing this mustache could be lost forever.

Burt Reynolds

Double Mustache. Whoa that's a full mustache. Whoa, oh my God. So intense.

The Sphinx

We dare time to corrode this mustache.

The Romanov Family

Too soon?

Napoleon and his Horse

It's a proven fact that syphilis can't penetrate a mustache. And they add height. It's science.

The Best Advice About Advice You're Ever Going to Get

Since we've been so successful at giving advice, we decided the only logical next step would be to discredit  age old wisdom. What the hell did those guys know? They didn't even have antibiotics or real shoes. It's time to adapt these adages for the modern day, and by adapt, we mean demolish.


Love thy neighbor. Here's the thing about that, I suspect that my neighbor is harvesting children's organs to sell on the black market, or to eat as a source of immortality. Plus, his yard is a mess.


Don't judge a book by it's cover. Fine, you approach the smelly guy on the bus.


If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Yeah, right. We can tell you from experience that complete silence after lay down dancing does not nurture a budding romance. 


Silence is golden. Even if you could see silence, why is golden the preferred color? I find purple much more appealing.


Do unto others, as you would have done unto you. This horrible piece of advice lead us to believe you could buy a fifteen year old an ice cream cone and spend hours discussing Harry Potter without the police getting involved.


Turn the other cheek. Are we talking butt or face? We just take issue with the lack of specifics here.


A friend in need is a friend indeed. Just because it rhymes doesn't mean it's true. We've got our own problems, and we wouldn't even know where to begin to help you.


Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You got me a horse? Really?

Law and Order: SVU Greeting Card Line

Have you ever struggled to find the right words to say to a loved one, a coworker, or a new friend?  Do you love the show Law and Order: Special Victims Unit?  Tell the ones closest to you that you're thinking about them with our new line of greeting cards, featuring dialogue direct from the hit T.V. show.   

Top 5 Things We Secretly Hope Are Real

1. Charlie Sheen

2. Santa Claus

3. Fairy dust 

4. Invisibility cloak (for peepin')

5. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The Best Driving Advice You're Ever Going to Get

Signs are just a polite suggestion, so remember that when in doubt, hit the gas.

 

Applying make-up while driving is dangerous. Protect yourself and those around you, get it all over with at once.

 

There are so many things that we hate in this world, and Calvin can pee on every one of them.

 

Some studies show driving while tired is as dangerous as driving drunk. So, like after having a few drinks, we say take some country roads, kick back, and catch a few z's. Better safe than sorry, and a deer can't sue your ass.

 

If you walk away from this remembering only one bit of our pearly wisdom, let it be this:

The best defense, is a good offense

Let's Get Political

The powerful and elite are under enormous amounts of pressure from their historically mis-informed, but passionate constituents. With the 24 hour news cycle, you would think reporters would have the time (and decency) to keep the glass half full, and look at things from the Anna & Megan perspective every once in a while.


There's a lot of talk about greedy politicians and their insatiable desire to accumulate wealth. First of all lazies, being in the 95% of anything is a privilege. Quit whining and realize that you finally belong. We are so sick of hearing people complain about the millionares who sustain us. They give to charity. They tithe! That's money for the rest of us, the ones that don't work as hard as they do. If anything, they are affording us the opportunity to live the freeing life of a rover. To get back to our roots, sleeping under the open sky and stealing hotdogs from neighbors. They would pay thousands for such an authentic experience, and they are just giving it to us under the guise of a sub-prime mortgage.


By the way, why is everyone always focusing on the the SUB?  Being the optimists that we are, we like to focus on the PRIME.  Prime steaks.  Prime television.  Prime numbers.  You do the math. 

Now, we don't want to spend too much time on the lavish lifestyle public employees enjoy on our dime. But we'd like to point out that even while balancing the budget, politicians are taking the time to consider those who give so little, but expect so much. Have these parasites even realized the fortuitous timing of this debate? Guess what teachers, firefighters, and policemen- you  have the opportunity to say you're giving up healthcare for Lent. So go on and enjoy those Dove chocolates while the rest of suffer without, you ingrates.


Speaking of taxes and people who don't deserve them, why would you tax the people who have worked the hardest? In a game of poker, the jackpot always goes to the player with the best work ethic. It has nothing to do with the cards that are dealt. Besides, everyone knows that at the end of the game, when the winner is stuffing his pockets with your money, there are no hard feelings.


This is a mere glimpse into the disgustingly optimistic world views of Anna & Megan. Our glasses are half full of the most delicious rainbow juice imaginable, and our rose-colored glasses are complete with gilded horse blinders. Did your mind just explode from the g-force of the truth bombs we dropped on your asses? We hope not, because you have a $2,000 co-pay on ER visits.

Top 5 Worst Food Suggestions for a First Date

1. Chuck E Cheese

2. Church retreat pizza

3. Blood Mobile cookies

4. The dumpster behind Hometown Buffet

5. Hometown Buffet