The Best Driving Advice You're Ever Going to Get

Signs are just a polite suggestion, so remember that when in doubt, hit the gas.

 

Applying make-up while driving is dangerous. Protect yourself and those around you, get it all over with at once.

 

There are so many things that we hate in this world, and Calvin can pee on every one of them.

 

Some studies show driving while tired is as dangerous as driving drunk. So, like after having a few drinks, we say take some country roads, kick back, and catch a few z's. Better safe than sorry, and a deer can't sue your ass.

 

If you walk away from this remembering only one bit of our pearly wisdom, let it be this:

The best defense, is a good offense

Let's Get Political

The powerful and elite are under enormous amounts of pressure from their historically mis-informed, but passionate constituents. With the 24 hour news cycle, you would think reporters would have the time (and decency) to keep the glass half full, and look at things from the Anna & Megan perspective every once in a while.


There's a lot of talk about greedy politicians and their insatiable desire to accumulate wealth. First of all lazies, being in the 95% of anything is a privilege. Quit whining and realize that you finally belong. We are so sick of hearing people complain about the millionares who sustain us. They give to charity. They tithe! That's money for the rest of us, the ones that don't work as hard as they do. If anything, they are affording us the opportunity to live the freeing life of a rover. To get back to our roots, sleeping under the open sky and stealing hotdogs from neighbors. They would pay thousands for such an authentic experience, and they are just giving it to us under the guise of a sub-prime mortgage.


By the way, why is everyone always focusing on the the SUB?  Being the optimists that we are, we like to focus on the PRIME.  Prime steaks.  Prime television.  Prime numbers.  You do the math. 

Now, we don't want to spend too much time on the lavish lifestyle public employees enjoy on our dime. But we'd like to point out that even while balancing the budget, politicians are taking the time to consider those who give so little, but expect so much. Have these parasites even realized the fortuitous timing of this debate? Guess what teachers, firefighters, and policemen- you  have the opportunity to say you're giving up healthcare for Lent. So go on and enjoy those Dove chocolates while the rest of suffer without, you ingrates.


Speaking of taxes and people who don't deserve them, why would you tax the people who have worked the hardest? In a game of poker, the jackpot always goes to the player with the best work ethic. It has nothing to do with the cards that are dealt. Besides, everyone knows that at the end of the game, when the winner is stuffing his pockets with your money, there are no hard feelings.


This is a mere glimpse into the disgustingly optimistic world views of Anna & Megan. Our glasses are half full of the most delicious rainbow juice imaginable, and our rose-colored glasses are complete with gilded horse blinders. Did your mind just explode from the g-force of the truth bombs we dropped on your asses? We hope not, because you have a $2,000 co-pay on ER visits.

Top 5 Worst Food Suggestions for a First Date

1. Chuck E Cheese

2. Church retreat pizza

3. Blood Mobile cookies

4. The dumpster behind Hometown Buffet

5. Hometown Buffet

Spring Holidays

American holidays generally reflect American values. Giving to the ones you love, sharing meals with one another, mega blow out sales, and reflecting upon life's blessing. Why then, sometime around President's Day do we find ourselves strapping on an ankle flask, embracing complete debauchery? So Megan and Anna are asking the tough question- what's up spring holidays?

St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo. These are really the same holiday, but spaced two months apart. Apparently all we know about Mexican and Irish cultures is that they drink. A lot. We also know there's something about snakes and independence in there. Don't get us wrong, we fully support snake's rights, but is it really worth the terror and ruined pants that coincide with sobriety check points? Probably.

Spring break. First of all, thanks a lot MTV. You have taught us so much. Indispensable life lessons such as anyone who enters a Daytona Beach Wet T-Shirt contest leaves a champion. Any young American with a dream and a bit of gumption is just one balcony puke away from fame. You really set the tone for Spring Break in America, and only now do we realize you were shaping young minds to be one of two people: someone who watches 16 and Pregnant and someone who is 16 and Pregnant.

Mardi Gras. Beads and boobs. That's all we know, and that's enough for us.

Easter. If any of these occasions is for drinking, it's Easter. How else are you going to explain to your child that a giant talking bunny is giving out presents in exchange for lap time? Can we also point out that it might not be a good idea to encourage young children to find random eggs in the great outdoors and immediately open and devour the contents. That's not how you get chocolate and money, it's how you get E. Coli and a badger to the face.

After some serious reflection, we realize we have wasted everyone's time. We wouldn't change a thing about spring holidays. Just add more booze to Easter, and don't let your priest tell you otherwise.

Top 5 Drunk Toasts We Hope We Never Hear

1. It should have been me.
2. To think, we were going to get a hooker that night. 
3. Mom always said we have to let you make your own mistakes.
4. I told you you'd find someone to take you for who you are, herpes and all.
5. To the Chinks!

The Best Dating Advice You're Ever Going to Get

Love is like the smoke coming out an exhaust pipe, intoxicating and lethal. You've got to play the game just right, or you're going to be discovered by your neighbor, half eaten by your cats. Lucky for you, we're here to help.

First, always bring a Taser. 

Talk about how much you love Mark Wahlberg. We don't mean school girl crush, we mean restraining order level of devotion. Favorite colors, turn ons, turn offs, his weaknesses, what brand toothpaste he prefers, and what he will tolerate when the store is out. If you don't like Mark Wahlberg, then we suggest you try harder. If you refuse, then we don't know if you even deserve to be on this date.

Guys like smart girls. Why not break out some Punnett Square worksheets? Get to know each other by mapping out your genetic traits, and guess which ones you will pass on to your unborn children. This really only works on first dates.

Talk about the weather. Alberta clippers. Barometic pressure. Dew point. Heat index. Cold fronts. Warm fronts. Really drive the message home, and try to dominate the first two hours of conversation here. This lets him know you're ready to open up. 

Make sure he loves animals. If he says he does, say "great!" and pull out the adoption papers for your poodle, Duchess. If he says he doesn't, tell him you're here to change that, and pull the papers out anyway.

Bring your dancing pants. You'll know when to excuse yourself in order to change into them, but make sure he knows that's what you're doing because everyone loves a well thought out costume change. This applies to life in general.

You should shave your entire body, including eyebrows. If he goes for it, you know he's the one. A little special effects paint to mimic an unidentified fungus never hurts either. Then you'll know it's for love, or he's a serial killer, that's why you always have that Taser.

Get a chant going in the restaurant, movie theater, church, or any public event you're attending. This lets him know that you're a leader, and a real people person. But try to avoid any political or racist chants until you know his social security number by heart.

Guys want to know that they aren't always going to have to hold your hand. Reassure him with a story of a recent medical procedure, preferably one that went horribly wrong. Make sure it's a story that is going to underline your bravery. If it feels uncomfortable to talk about around food, you're doing a great job. It helps to have photos ready.

But remember ladies and gents, you're a gem and never settle for second best. These things are tried and true, if your love interest does not respond to one or all of these tips then you've got to know when to walk away, and know when to run. 

Top 5 Worst Things to Put on a Cake

1. Eat My Ashes!

2. Good Luck at Fat Camp

3. This Cake Represents the Last of My Pension

4. It's Definitely Chlamydia

5. That Wasn't Chicken