When Sexy Costumes Have Gone Too Far

Before we begin, we want to clarify that we love sexy costumes. We'd even like to bring sexy into more holidays. Think of how much more important President's Day and Flag Day could be. And just so you know, we've already patented a sexy Gerald Ford costume, so think of another get rich quick scheme. 

Our problem with sexy costumes, is that not every god damned thing is sexy. Some things naturally lend themselves to shorter skirts and plunging neck lines, like French Maids and Elton John. Some things, no matter how little fabric, and how much ingenuity and creativity, will never work. We have drawn a few examples. 

Sexy Fish

Sexy Hospital Patient

Sexy Jesus

Sexy Kirstie Alley

Sexy Baby

SPOILER ALERT, THIS ONE IS REAL

Sexy Big Bird

Don't Call it a Flashback

We don't want to use the cliched word "flashback," but FLASHBACK. We have been at this for quite a while, which if your eyes have had the glory of feasting on our written words, should be apparent. You aren't just born with this talent, and practice makes perfect. Thank God we are done practicing. 

This article is from 2001, back when we were fat, pimply and constantly rejected by every boy unlucky enough to be the subject of our fleeting attention. Why the high school newspaper let us be this politically incorrect? We don't know, but we suspect alcohol and apathy were key players.  Those glorious, indifferent teachers laid the foundation of smart-assery which continues to contribute absolutely nothing to anyone who reads it. Please enjoy this Halloween FLASHBACK. 

Things We Were Doing Instead of Blogging

It ain't easy being sleazy. Even the best people have to take a break from the best things sometimes.


But now we are back, and here to tell you that our time away was not spent in vain. Here is a list of things we have accomplished:  

1.  Reddit
2.  Moving (including getting off the couch multiple times)
3.  A fence estimate, those suckers are expensive
4.  Dishes
5.  Working Home Alone quotes into daily conversations

The great news?  We're back!  Keep the change ya filthy animal. 

Improving History: Mustache Addition (The Only Edition)

Julius Caesar

Brutus could not have torn himself away from that glorious view long enough to get a clear shot at Caesar's back. We've always said mustaches save lives, we just wish we could have been there to warn him.

Moby Dick

Some studies show that the part of the brain responsible for aggression is the mustache.

Anne Boleyn (The Whore Queen)

This mustache may not have saved her from a beheading, but we bet cryogenics would have been much higher on scientist's to do list, knowing this mustache could be lost forever.

Burt Reynolds

Double Mustache. Whoa that's a full mustache. Whoa, oh my God. So intense.

The Sphinx

We dare time to corrode this mustache.

The Romanov Family

Too soon?

Napoleon and his Horse

It's a proven fact that syphilis can't penetrate a mustache. And they add height. It's science.

The Best Advice About Advice You're Ever Going to Get

Since we've been so successful at giving advice, we decided the only logical next step would be to discredit  age old wisdom. What the hell did those guys know? They didn't even have antibiotics or real shoes. It's time to adapt these adages for the modern day, and by adapt, we mean demolish.


Love thy neighbor. Here's the thing about that, I suspect that my neighbor is harvesting children's organs to sell on the black market, or to eat as a source of immortality. Plus, his yard is a mess.


Don't judge a book by it's cover. Fine, you approach the smelly guy on the bus.


If you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Yeah, right. We can tell you from experience that complete silence after lay down dancing does not nurture a budding romance. 


Silence is golden. Even if you could see silence, why is golden the preferred color? I find purple much more appealing.


Do unto others, as you would have done unto you. This horrible piece of advice lead us to believe you could buy a fifteen year old an ice cream cone and spend hours discussing Harry Potter without the police getting involved.


Turn the other cheek. Are we talking butt or face? We just take issue with the lack of specifics here.


A friend in need is a friend indeed. Just because it rhymes doesn't mean it's true. We've got our own problems, and we wouldn't even know where to begin to help you.


Don't look a gift horse in the mouth. You got me a horse? Really?

Law and Order: SVU Greeting Card Line

Have you ever struggled to find the right words to say to a loved one, a coworker, or a new friend?  Do you love the show Law and Order: Special Victims Unit?  Tell the ones closest to you that you're thinking about them with our new line of greeting cards, featuring dialogue direct from the hit T.V. show.   

Top 5 Things We Secretly Hope Are Real

1. Charlie Sheen

2. Santa Claus

3. Fairy dust 

4. Invisibility cloak (for peepin')

5. The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

The Best Driving Advice You're Ever Going to Get

Signs are just a polite suggestion, so remember that when in doubt, hit the gas.

 

Applying make-up while driving is dangerous. Protect yourself and those around you, get it all over with at once.

 

There are so many things that we hate in this world, and Calvin can pee on every one of them.

 

Some studies show driving while tired is as dangerous as driving drunk. So, like after having a few drinks, we say take some country roads, kick back, and catch a few z's. Better safe than sorry, and a deer can't sue your ass.

 

If you walk away from this remembering only one bit of our pearly wisdom, let it be this:

The best defense, is a good offense

Let's Get Political

The powerful and elite are under enormous amounts of pressure from their historically mis-informed, but passionate constituents. With the 24 hour news cycle, you would think reporters would have the time (and decency) to keep the glass half full, and look at things from the Anna & Megan perspective every once in a while.


There's a lot of talk about greedy politicians and their insatiable desire to accumulate wealth. First of all lazies, being in the 95% of anything is a privilege. Quit whining and realize that you finally belong. We are so sick of hearing people complain about the millionares who sustain us. They give to charity. They tithe! That's money for the rest of us, the ones that don't work as hard as they do. If anything, they are affording us the opportunity to live the freeing life of a rover. To get back to our roots, sleeping under the open sky and stealing hotdogs from neighbors. They would pay thousands for such an authentic experience, and they are just giving it to us under the guise of a sub-prime mortgage.


By the way, why is everyone always focusing on the the SUB?  Being the optimists that we are, we like to focus on the PRIME.  Prime steaks.  Prime television.  Prime numbers.  You do the math. 

Now, we don't want to spend too much time on the lavish lifestyle public employees enjoy on our dime. But we'd like to point out that even while balancing the budget, politicians are taking the time to consider those who give so little, but expect so much. Have these parasites even realized the fortuitous timing of this debate? Guess what teachers, firefighters, and policemen- you  have the opportunity to say you're giving up healthcare for Lent. So go on and enjoy those Dove chocolates while the rest of suffer without, you ingrates.


Speaking of taxes and people who don't deserve them, why would you tax the people who have worked the hardest? In a game of poker, the jackpot always goes to the player with the best work ethic. It has nothing to do with the cards that are dealt. Besides, everyone knows that at the end of the game, when the winner is stuffing his pockets with your money, there are no hard feelings.


This is a mere glimpse into the disgustingly optimistic world views of Anna & Megan. Our glasses are half full of the most delicious rainbow juice imaginable, and our rose-colored glasses are complete with gilded horse blinders. Did your mind just explode from the g-force of the truth bombs we dropped on your asses? We hope not, because you have a $2,000 co-pay on ER visits.

Top 5 Worst Food Suggestions for a First Date

1. Chuck E Cheese

2. Church retreat pizza

3. Blood Mobile cookies

4. The dumpster behind Hometown Buffet

5. Hometown Buffet

Spring Holidays

American holidays generally reflect American values. Giving to the ones you love, sharing meals with one another, mega blow out sales, and reflecting upon life's blessing. Why then, sometime around President's Day do we find ourselves strapping on an ankle flask, embracing complete debauchery? So Megan and Anna are asking the tough question- what's up spring holidays?

St. Patrick's Day and Cinco de Mayo. These are really the same holiday, but spaced two months apart. Apparently all we know about Mexican and Irish cultures is that they drink. A lot. We also know there's something about snakes and independence in there. Don't get us wrong, we fully support snake's rights, but is it really worth the terror and ruined pants that coincide with sobriety check points? Probably.

Spring break. First of all, thanks a lot MTV. You have taught us so much. Indispensable life lessons such as anyone who enters a Daytona Beach Wet T-Shirt contest leaves a champion. Any young American with a dream and a bit of gumption is just one balcony puke away from fame. You really set the tone for Spring Break in America, and only now do we realize you were shaping young minds to be one of two people: someone who watches 16 and Pregnant and someone who is 16 and Pregnant.

Mardi Gras. Beads and boobs. That's all we know, and that's enough for us.

Easter. If any of these occasions is for drinking, it's Easter. How else are you going to explain to your child that a giant talking bunny is giving out presents in exchange for lap time? Can we also point out that it might not be a good idea to encourage young children to find random eggs in the great outdoors and immediately open and devour the contents. That's not how you get chocolate and money, it's how you get E. Coli and a badger to the face.

After some serious reflection, we realize we have wasted everyone's time. We wouldn't change a thing about spring holidays. Just add more booze to Easter, and don't let your priest tell you otherwise.

Top 5 Drunk Toasts We Hope We Never Hear

1. It should have been me.
2. To think, we were going to get a hooker that night. 
3. Mom always said we have to let you make your own mistakes.
4. I told you you'd find someone to take you for who you are, herpes and all.
5. To the Chinks!

The Best Dating Advice You're Ever Going to Get

Love is like the smoke coming out an exhaust pipe, intoxicating and lethal. You've got to play the game just right, or you're going to be discovered by your neighbor, half eaten by your cats. Lucky for you, we're here to help.

First, always bring a Taser. 

Talk about how much you love Mark Wahlberg. We don't mean school girl crush, we mean restraining order level of devotion. Favorite colors, turn ons, turn offs, his weaknesses, what brand toothpaste he prefers, and what he will tolerate when the store is out. If you don't like Mark Wahlberg, then we suggest you try harder. If you refuse, then we don't know if you even deserve to be on this date.

Guys like smart girls. Why not break out some Punnett Square worksheets? Get to know each other by mapping out your genetic traits, and guess which ones you will pass on to your unborn children. This really only works on first dates.

Talk about the weather. Alberta clippers. Barometic pressure. Dew point. Heat index. Cold fronts. Warm fronts. Really drive the message home, and try to dominate the first two hours of conversation here. This lets him know you're ready to open up. 

Make sure he loves animals. If he says he does, say "great!" and pull out the adoption papers for your poodle, Duchess. If he says he doesn't, tell him you're here to change that, and pull the papers out anyway.

Bring your dancing pants. You'll know when to excuse yourself in order to change into them, but make sure he knows that's what you're doing because everyone loves a well thought out costume change. This applies to life in general.

You should shave your entire body, including eyebrows. If he goes for it, you know he's the one. A little special effects paint to mimic an unidentified fungus never hurts either. Then you'll know it's for love, or he's a serial killer, that's why you always have that Taser.

Get a chant going in the restaurant, movie theater, church, or any public event you're attending. This lets him know that you're a leader, and a real people person. But try to avoid any political or racist chants until you know his social security number by heart.

Guys want to know that they aren't always going to have to hold your hand. Reassure him with a story of a recent medical procedure, preferably one that went horribly wrong. Make sure it's a story that is going to underline your bravery. If it feels uncomfortable to talk about around food, you're doing a great job. It helps to have photos ready.

But remember ladies and gents, you're a gem and never settle for second best. These things are tried and true, if your love interest does not respond to one or all of these tips then you've got to know when to walk away, and know when to run. 

Top 5 Worst Things to Put on a Cake

1. Eat My Ashes!

2. Good Luck at Fat Camp

3. This Cake Represents the Last of My Pension

4. It's Definitely Chlamydia

5. That Wasn't Chicken

Awesome in High School, Sad in Adulthood

Screaming At Your Parents

THEN

NOW

Drawing Attention To Yourself

THEN

NOW

Making Plans to Marry a Movie Star

THEN

NOW

Yearning To Date Needy Men

THEN

NOW

Stealing Alcohol 

THEN

NOW

However, it should be noted that some things remain the same.  The flow of water to it's own level, the earth's gravitational pull to the sun, and ...

The Unbearable Desire to Bone Conan O'Brian

THEN

NOW

Top Questions We Hope We Never See on Yahoo

1. I have a coat hanger, now what?

2. How much do weight loss tapeworms cost?

3. What are some other uses for stored human waste?

4. Can anyone remember the name of that show we used to watch when we were little? The one with the racist bus driver who would kill your favorite pet if you didn't buckle up, except the bus had no seat belts?

5. Is necrophilia illegal in all states? 

The Disease of Laughter

To create a blog. So much excitement, adventure, and infinite possibility. The internet is going to have to put on his big boy pants and try a little harder to contain our genius.

The perfect storm, minus George Clooney and catastrophic box office failure. Best friends, ready to plague the masses with our incurable viral disease. The disease of laughter. 

There is no cure.

Welcome to fun times With Anna and Megan.