Love is like the smoke coming out an exhaust pipe, intoxicating and lethal. You've got to play the game just right, or you're going to be discovered by your neighbor, half eaten by your cats. Lucky for you, we're here to help.
First, always bring a Taser.
Talk about how much you love Mark Wahlberg. We don't mean school girl crush, we mean restraining order level of devotion. Favorite colors, turn ons, turn offs, his weaknesses, what brand toothpaste he prefers, and what he will tolerate when the store is out. If you don't like Mark Wahlberg, then we suggest you try harder. If you refuse, then we don't know if you even deserve to be on this date.
Guys like smart girls. Why not break out some Punnett Square worksheets? Get to know each other by mapping out your genetic traits, and guess which ones you will pass on to your unborn children. This really only works on first dates.
Talk about the weather. Alberta clippers. Barometic pressure. Dew point. Heat index. Cold fronts. Warm fronts. Really drive the message home, and try to dominate the first two hours of conversation here. This lets him know you're ready to open up.
Make sure he loves animals. If he says he does, say "great!" and pull out the adoption papers for your poodle, Duchess. If he says he doesn't, tell him you're here to change that, and pull the papers out anyway. Bring your dancing pants. You'll know when to excuse yourself in order to change into them, but make sure he knows that's what you're doing because everyone loves a well thought out costume change. This applies to life in general.
You should shave your entire body, including eyebrows. If he goes for it, you know he's the one. A little special effects paint to mimic an unidentified fungus never hurts either. Then you'll know it's for love, or he's a serial killer, that's why you always have that Taser.
Get a chant going in the restaurant, movie theater, church, or any public event you're attending. This lets him know that you're a leader, and a real people person. But try to avoid any political or racist chants until you know his social security number by heart.
Guys want to know that they aren't always going to have to hold your hand. Reassure him with a story of a recent medical procedure, preferably one that went horribly wrong. Make sure it's a story that is going to underline your bravery. If it feels uncomfortable to talk about around food, you're doing a great job. It helps to have photos ready.
But remember ladies and gents, you're a gem and never settle for second best. These things are tried and true, if your love interest does not respond to one or all of these tips then you've got to know when to walk away, and know when to run.
